I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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