My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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