Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
