Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
