Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
