if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
