Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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