Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
