someone threw a dead crab at me
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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