He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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