I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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