I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
