and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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