I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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