Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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