I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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