please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
