As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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