All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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