atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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