when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
