If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dicks are not precious.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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