My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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