that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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