I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize