I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
