dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
