Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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