last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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