So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
