My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
