Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
