Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
