I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize