Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
