I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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