it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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