whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
