You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
