Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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