apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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