I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just cropdusted the office
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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