Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
