i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My ass is underappreciated
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
