Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
