and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
