hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
