the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
