Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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