every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
