um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
