I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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