So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
