i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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