You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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