apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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