Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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