Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
