I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
