Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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