Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
