Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
