I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
